Un anno fa come eravamo? Cosa stavamo facendo? Com’era la nostra vita? Mi viene da sorridere, perché la prima cosa che mi viene da dire è che molto probabilmente non avevamo nemmeno il tempo di chiedercelo. Almeno io no. Un anno fa vivevo in una casa diversa, avevo un lavoro che mi teneva impegnata 12 ore al giorno, che mi faceva spesso viaggiare e incontrare tantissime persone; un anno fa avevo una vita che andava a mille allora e quando non lavoravo avevo una famiglia a cui badare, dovevo curare casa e poi c’erano i week-end sempre in giro, le vacanze e i ristoranti. Era tutto così veloce. Se penso che mia figlia abbia già nove anni mi sale un disagio strano che mi fa formulare molte domande. Ma some è possibile che il tempo sia passato così velocemente? Ho dato le giuste attenzioni a chi le meritava? Sono stata abbastanza con mia madre, i miei fratelli e i miei amici come stanno? Ho cercato sempre di incastrare tutto e di stare dietro a tutti, ma sempre facendolo di corsa. Ripeto ogni giorno a mia figlia che le cose fatte di fretta sono fatte quasi sempre male. La risposta la so già da sola! Un anno fa io correvo come una pazza, ecco come era la mia vita…..una corsa continua. Mi stavo preparando per le Olimpiadi?  No e neanche mi stavo allenando per stare meglio fisicamente. Correvo perché avevo molti più impegni di quanti mai sarei stata capace in realtà di portarne a termine.  C’era qualcosa in me che non funzionava? Avevo una forma di bulimia per la vita? Forse sì. Ma di certo non mi faceva bene. Anzi.  Avevo sempre bisogno di bere caffè per andare avanti, ma ciò che ingoiavo maggiormente era stress. Volete sapere come mi sentivo? Secondo me la risposta già la conoscete, perché in fondo vivevate allo stesso identico modo e mi sentivo come voi: sempre stanca morta.  È assurdo pensarci oggi ma allora credevo che fosse normale vivere così la mia esistenza. Fermiamoci un attimo a riflettere: ma vivere in modo così veloce da non godersi la vera essenza della vita, alla fine è vivere? Non lo so, ma credo di no.

La pandemia

Un anno fa in Italia è arrivata la Pandemia che aveva già un nome e un carattere ben definito: il COVID19. Che poi girovagasse già dal 2019 era chiaro, perché lo dice il nome stesso. Ma nel nostro paese arrivò, o almeno così ci raccontarono, nel 2020. Il virus esplose esattamente come una bomba in Cina, ma il fatto pazzesco fu che noi italiani non ce ne rendemmo conto subito, ma per quale motivo? I fattori furono principalmente due: eravamo troppi impegnati a vivere le nostre vite sempre di corsa e distratte e perché vedevamo la Cina come un luogo magico, divino e sacro ma comunque sempre troppo lontano da noi. Ma come abbiamo potuto pensare nel 2020 che la Cina fosse davvero così lontana? Viviamo navigando su internet e abbiamo la possibilità di chattare quando e dove vogliamo con tutto il mondo, prendiamo aerei che in poco ore ci portano ovunque, diventiamo matti per mangiare il loro cibo e viviamo con i cinesi da sempre. Ma noi no, abbiamo creduto che la Cina fosse lontana. Praticamente ogni cosa che indossiamo ha il loro nome, ma niente, noi siamo testardi e la vediamo, lontana.  Il virus circolava da tempo e noi ce ne siamo accorti sempre troppo tardi. Ma da dove è arrivato questo virus? Oggi nel 2021 ancora non è del tutto chiaro: il virus è scappato da un laboratorio? Si è formato in natura? Sono stati i pipistrelli? Gli alieni? Non ci sono verità empiriche ancora e la verità oggi non cambierebbe i fatti e di fatto stiamo ancora lottando; forse in futuro si scoprirà l’origine del Covid19, non oggi però. Quello che sappiamo oggi è che il Covid19 è un virus intelligente, astuto, che vive per colpire un organo specifico, proprio quello di cui noi esseri umani, corridori di professione e per stile di vita avevamo più bisogno per la nostra corsa: il polmone. Credo che se non è stato creato a tavolino da esseri umani ma è un virus che ha creato la natura, la natura che ci circonda è più astuta e furba di noi.

Il Lockdown

I primi tempi furono un incubo, un vero incubo. Non scorderemo mai certe immagini viste in televisione e che avevano come protagonisti persone normali, persone come noi che fino ad un paio di giorni prima avevano una loro normalità, forse veloce e non vissuta abbastanza, ma avevano una vita e che dopo poco per qualcosa del tutto sconosciuto gli era stata improvvisamente tolta. Voi ve lo ricordate il giorno che ci hanno chiuso in casa, il famoso primo lockdown? Io ricordo che hanno chiuso tutto un po’ alla volta come per addolcirci la pillola. Ricordo una sera che avevo avuto una sensazione, una delle mie. Vorrei raccontare che quando ho delle premonizioni a volte sono sbagliate, ma la maggior parte delle volte sono esatte, purtroppo. Sono pensieri precisi, concreti e che mi arrivano con una velocità che anche se ne avessi i mezzi e le possibilità non avrei il tempo di poter toccare gli eventi per modificarli. Come se mi si venisse aperta una porta per vedere cosa accadrà, ma non la possibilità di poterla oltrepassare. Raccontai a Nicola di quello che sentivo e che a breve ci avrebbero tutti chiusi in casa, ma lui mi rispose che non avrebbero mai potuto farlo perché avrebbero rischiato un’economia mondiale. Il resto è storia. Il 9 marzo 2020 con un DPCM che spiegava le motivazioni e il modo in cui dovevamo comportarci hanno chiuso gli italiani in casa. Il Covid19, di fatto era già in mezzo a noi e la Sanità non era in grado di gestire l’epidemia che si stava espandendo con una velocità senza uguale, stare chiusi in casa era l’unico modo per bloccare i contagi. Dovevamo tenerci a distanza, uno con l’altro. Ogni nucleo famigliare doveva stare chiuso in sé stesso e non avrebbe dovuto in nessun modo creare comunità al di fuori di questo. L’Italia è stato il primo paese al mondo a chiudere i voli aerei con la Cina, con una delle misure più drastiche dell’Unione Europea. Se ce lo avessero detto, non dico un anno prima, ma solo due settimane antecedenti, che per 3 mesi saremmo stati obbligati a stare in casa, vi assicuro che nessuno, ma proprio nessuno ci avrebbe mai potuto credere!

La nostra storia

Ciò che è accaduto è ormai storia che rimarrà scritta nel DNA, di ognuno di noi. Quei mesi furono anomali e disperati, il cielo italiano era strano e quella fu la primavera più bella e calda di sempre. Un popolo attaccato ad un televisore o a un computer con la speranza di ricevere notizie più positive; in breve, tempo eravamo una nazione di persone che aveva paura a fare cose semplici, come andare a fare la spe

sa o a parlare con il vicino di casa. Una nazione che attendeva il proprio presidente che si pronunciava sempre più tardi e in modo confuso. Non c’era nessuno in quel periodo in grado di capire cosa ci sarebbe capitato e come ne saremmo usciti. Nessuno. I contagi aumentavano giornalmente e i morti di conseguenza. Le persone come in una guerra cadevano a terra e se prima erano lontani ora erano parenti, amici e persone a noi care, solo perché concittadini. Ricordo la Pasqua del 2020 come la più triste di sempre. C’era qualcosa nell’aria di così forte che era assordante: il silenzio. L’Italia era in silenzio. In silenzio per la paura, per il lutto per l’incertezza sul domani. Non lo so se questo post verrà letto tra 100 anni, ma se tu che mi stai leggendo e stai vivendo nel 2121 e ti sei chiesto come i tuoi antenati hanno vissuto quel periodo storico, beh sappi che è stato a dir poco terribile. Noi eravamo la generazione che la storia racconterà come quella del “Benessere assoluto”, noi eravamo quelli che “Nessuno avrebbe potuto toccarci”.  Poveri noi. Ricapiterà perché la storia si ripete sempre; capiterà anche nel futuro che tornerà ad esserci una generazione come la nostra e a voi consiglio di essere meno presuntuosi o arroganti. Perché potrebbe arrivare un essere talmente piccolo da essere invisibile e così veloce da essere imprendibile che vi metterà in poche ore tutti in ginocchio. Il lockdown fu un’esperienza che non auguro a nessuno.

Cambiamento

Il virus ha fatto una cosa che nessun altro essere umano sarebbe stato capace di fare, almeno non in un quel periodo storico: ci ha riprogrammati tutti. Da quel 9 marzo 2020, nulla sarebbe stato più come prima. La nostra routine quotidiana, il nostro modo di lavorare di muoverci perfino i nostri orari. Nulla sarebbe più stato come prima e chissà quanto tempo dovrà passare per non dover uscire di casa senza portare una mascherina, non sentir più parlare di zone gialle, arancioni o rosse. Quanto tempo dovrà passare prima che parole come DAD, non dovranno più essere pronunciate. Quanto tempo dovrà passare prima di potersi trovare in riva al lago a cenare con tuo marito e tutti i tuoi amici? Questo ad oggi non ci è ancora dato di sapere. Ma una cosa la so, so che vivevo una vita a mille che amavo ma che nonostante tutto non era mai abbastanza; so che oggi ho molto più tempo e che il virus mi ha riportato ad una dimensione di vita molto più reale e gestibile, che oggi ho il tempo di stare dietro alla mia famiglia, lavorare e pensare. Prima erano tre cose che non potevo permettermi. So che il futuro rimane incerto e che questa incertezza fa paura. Sono consapevole del fatto che ci sono categorie di lavoratori che non avranno più le loro attività, quando il virus non sarà più un nemico; so che moltissime persone continueranno a piangere i loro morti e che questi non avranno mai giustizia. So che non ci meritavamo tutto questo. So che ne usciremo completamente diversi e che forse daremo molto più valore alla vita e ci gusteremo molti di più il nostro tempo. Ma mi domando perché sono dovute morire così tante persone e perché tutti noi abbiamo dovuto soffrire così tanto, per capire il valore della vita? Questo me lo domando spesso. Arriverà mai un tempo dove noi essere umani capiremo il valore della vita senza arrivare a delle tragedie? E se noi fossimo stati più attenti? Meno presi delle nostre vite super veloci e benestanti, saremmo stati capaci di capire prima che la nostra specie stava per essere in pericolo? La pandemia ci ha ricordato il valore del tempo e l’importanza di agire per il bene comune e per la preservazione della nostra specie, ma la mia domanda è: quando ce lo siamo dimenticati?

English 

Life before

What were we like a year ago? What were we doing? What was our life like? I must smile, because the first thing that comes to my mind is that most likely we didn’t even have time to ask ourselves that question. At least I didn’t. A year ago, I was living in a different house, I had a job that kept me busy 12 hours a day, which meant I was often travelling and meeting lots of people; a year ago my life was going at full speed then and when I wasn’t working, I had a family to look after, I had to look after the house and then there were the weekends away, holidays and restaurants. It was all so fast. When I think about the fact that my daughter is already nine years old, I feel a strange uneasiness that makes me ask myself many questions. Is it possible that time has passed so quickly? Have I given the right attention to those who deserve it? Have I been with my mother enough, and how are my brothers and friends? I have always tried to fit everything in and keep up with everyone, but always in a hurry. I tell my daughter every day that things done in a hurry are almost always done badly. I know the answer myself! A year ago I was running like crazy, that’s what my life was like…..a continuous race. Was I preparing for the Olympics?  No, and I wasn’t even training to get better physically. I was running because I had more commitments than I would ever really be able to fulfil.  Was there something wrong with me? Was I bulimic for life? Maybe so. But it certainly wasn’t doing me any good. On the contrary.  I always needed to drink coffee to keep going, but what I swallowed most was stress. Do you want to know how I felt? I think you already know the answer, because after all, you lived in the same way and I felt the same way as you: always dead tired.  It’s absurd to think about it today, but back then I thought it was normal to live my life this way. Let’s pause for a moment to reflect: but is living so fast that you don’t enjoy the true essence of life, in the end, living? I don’t know, but I think not.

The pandemic

A year ago, a Pandemic arrived in Italy that already had a name and a well-defined character: COVID19. It was clear that it would already be wandering around in 2019, as its name suggests. But in our country, it arrived, or so we were told, in 2020. The virus exploded exactly like a bomb in China, but the crazy thing was that we Italians didn’t realize it right away, but why? There were two main factors: we were too busy living our busy and distracted lives, and because we saw China as a magical, divine, and sacred place, but still too far away from us. But how could we think in 2020 that China was so far away? We live on the internet and can chat whenever and wherever we want with the whole world, we take planes that take us anywhere in a matter of hours, we go crazy to eat their food and we have lived with the Chinese forever. But not us, we thought China was far away. Practically everything we wear has their name on it, but nothing, we are stubborn, and we see it, far away. The virus had been circulating for some time and we always realized it too late. But where did this virus come from? Today, in 2021, it is still not entirely clear: did the virus escape from a laboratory? Did it form in nature? Was it bats? Aliens? There are no empirical truths yet and the truth today would not change the facts and in fact we are still struggling; perhaps in the future the origin of Covid19 will be discovered, not today though. What we do know today is that Covid19 is an intelligent, cunning virus that lives to target a specific organ, the very one that we human beings, runners by profession and by lifestyle, needed most for our running: the lung. I believe that if it has not been created by humans but is a virus that nature has created, the nature around us is more cunning and clever than we are.

Lockdown

The early days were a nightmare, a real nightmare. We’ll never forget certain images we saw on television of normal people, people like us, who up until a couple of days before had their own normalcy, perhaps fast and not lived enough, but who had a life and who, after a short while, for something completely unknown, had suddenly been taken away. Do you remember the day they locked us in our homes, the famous first lockdown? I remember that they closed everything down a little at a time as if to sweeten the pill. I remember one evening I had a feeling, one of my own. I would like to say that when I have premonitions, they are sometimes wrong, but most of the time they are correct, unfortunately. They are precise, concrete thoughts that come to me with a speed that even if I had the means and the possibilities, I would not have the time to be able to touch events to change them. It is as if a door were opened for me to see what will happen, but not the possibility of being able to go through it. I told Nicola about what I was hearing and that they were going to lock us all up soon, but he said they could never do that because they would risk a world economy. The rest is history. On 9 March 2020 with a DPCM explaining the reasons and the way we should behave they locked the Italians in their homes. The Covid19, in fact, was already among us and the health service was not able to manage the epidemic that was expanding with unparalleled speed, staying locked in the house was the only way to stop the contagions. We had to keep our distance from each other. Each family unit had to stay within itself and should in no way create a community outside of it. Italy was the first country in the world to close air flights with China, in one of the most drastic measures of the European Union. If they had told us, not a year before, but only two weeks before, that we would be forced to stay at home for three months, I assure you that no one, but no one, would have ever believed them!

Our history

What happened is now history that will remain written in the DNA of each of us. Those months were anomalous and desperate, the Italian sky was strange and that was the most beautiful and warmest spring ever. A people attached to a television set or a computer with the hope of receiving more positive news; in a short time, we were a nation of people who were afraid to do simple things, like go shopping or talk to their neighbor. We were a nation waiting for a president who spoke later and later and in a confused manner. There was no one at that time who could understand what was going to happen to us and how we were going to get out of it. No one. The number of infections increased daily, and the number of deaths increased accordingly. People were falling to the ground like in a war, and if they were far away before, now they were relatives, friends and loved ones, just because they were fellow citizens. I remember Easter 2020 as the saddest Easter ever. There was something in the air so loud that it was deafening: silence. Italy was silent. Silent with fear, silent with mourning, silent with uncertainty about tomorrow. I don’t know if this post will be read 100 years from now, but if you who are reading this and are living in 2121 and have wondered how your ancestors lived through that period of history, well know that it was nothing short of terrible. We were the generation that history will tell as the one of “Absolute Welfare”, we were the ones that “Nobody could touch us”.  Poor us. It will happen again because history always repeats itself; it will also happen in the future that there will be a generation like ours again and I advise you to be less conceited or arrogant. Because a being may arrive who is so small that he is invisible and so fast that he is impregnable, and he will bring you all to your knees in a few hours. The lockdown was an experience I would not wish on anyone.

Change

The virus did something that no other human being would have been able to do, at least not at that time in history: it reprogrammed us all. From 9 March 2020, nothing would ever be the same again. Our daily routine, the way we work, the way we move around, even our schedules. Nothing would ever be the same again, and who knows how long it will be before we don’t have to leave the house without wearing a mask or hearing about yellow, orange, or red zones.

How long will it be before words like DAD will no longer have to be uttered? How long will it be before you can be found by the lake having dinner with your husband and all your friends? That much we don’t know yet. But I do know one thing, I know that I used to live a life of a thousand that I loved but that was never enough; I know that today I have much more time and that the virus has brought me back to a much more real and manageable dimension of life, that today I have the time to look after my family, work and think. Before these were three things I could not afford. I know that the future remains uncertain, and that this uncertainty is frightening. I am aware that there are categories of workers who will no longer have their jobs when the virus is no longer an enemy; I know that many people will continue to mourn their dead and that these will never get justice. I know that we did not deserve this. I know that we will come out of this completely different and that we will perhaps value life much more and enjoy our time much more. But I wonder why so many people had to die and why we all had to suffer so much to understand the value of life? I often ask myself this question. Will there ever come a time when we human beings will understand the value of life without tragedy? What if we had been more careful? Less caught up in our super-fast, affluent lives, would we have been able to realize sooner that our species was about to be in danger? The pandemic reminded us of the value of time and the importance of acting for the common good and the preservation of our species, but my question is: when did we forget?

English

It’s been a while since I’ve written, I know… my working life has been so busy that I forgot to do what I love most: writing! Sorry, but here I am. Maybe one of the many reasons why all this is happening is that we have to stop and remember who we are and what we love to do? Maybe. I often think and try to make sense of it all, but I never find sense… The fact remains that a virus arrived from China (or so we were told) tiptoed into our country and knocked us all out! He knocked us all down and unfortunately many people will never get up again! Last February, our President Conte announced in one of his decrees (at the time we didn’t know how much the word decree would affect our lives from then on) that the schools would be closed. At first it seemed like a few days, a necessary prevention. Then the days went by and decree after decree, the whole of Italy was closed; my country, not the one where I grew up but the one that adopted me at the age of 17, the one that I initially did not love very much but that I learnt to know and after having visited far and wide, made me madly in love with him, was closed, put in quarantine. In the last few weeks I’ve seen things on TV that even the best director of scary movies wouldn’t be able to play. I sensed fear in people’s eyes, fear the real thing. I heard sirens in the night that took my sleep away, a sleep that will never return but that of before. In a short time, we fell into a nightmare without even realizing it, misled or distracted by who knows who or who knows what, maybe we will never really understand it. Blaming someone is useless and criticizing who is running our country is even more so. Who the hell is holding the dictionary of how a country works when faced with a deadly virus that enters your country and, in a few days, ago a disaster of this magnitude? Let’s remember that we’re used to seeing evil, but we only see it on TV thinking that it will never touch us. And that it is true that the Virus was already circulating on this planet and that the images coming from China were comparable to those of the apocalypse, but do you know how far China is from here?  Who could have predicted such a thing? A virus so fast and virulent? No one. Let’s stop playing the smart-ass who has clear answers; doctors and scientists don’t have them, let alone us… Today there is only hope: hope that it’s not us or one of our loved ones! The days are long, and we make up everything to pass the time, we Italians are masters in this: funny videos for every topic depopulate on social media but inside, deep inside, we oscillate between the fear of the present and the few certainties of the future. Everything has changed, everything; we are not allowed to go out the door, to visit our parents, family, grandchildren and friends. We’re in front of a cell phone doing video conferencing with Mom and our brothers like we’re on a business date. We go shopping one at a time, trying to do it as quickly as possible; we look at each other as if we were possible time bombs.  We live in a reality where myths have completely changed, today the real stars are the doctors, doctors and nurses who work 24 hours a day to save lives. A reality that somehow when we return to live it, it will never be the same again; all of us will inevitably be different. But I am sure and convinced that we will succeed and that never before have we rediscovered our belonging and our sense of unity. I never, ever imagined that I would find myself sitting at the table with my daughter trying to explain a new dimension of life to her. The crazy thing is that for the first time since she was born, I found myself unarmed, with no real answers to give her. I have always taught her not to tell lies: the immense value that truth has, but to each of her questions without a certain answer from me she has done nothing but create confusion day after day. The other night she had a crazy crisis; she broke down crying and told me that she’s so sad, that she can’t stay locked up at home anymore, that she misses school and her classmates, her teacher, her friends and her former life. She mercilessly shouted his hatred of the Coronavirus and her fear that no one will ever be able to stop it, because no one is able to see it. As she cried her eyes out and no longer had the breath to speak, she confided in me that her greatest hope was that the person who created the virus in the lab would die instantly. When she found voice again, she yelled again that it was all unfair and that we didn’t deserve it, because we are good people. Holding me tight, she told me that it wasn’t right to trap the children in the house, that they need to run and play in the meadows and do sports, as they did before. I started crying with her… I just agreed with her and let her vent. Then I recommended that she never wish someone dead again and I promised her that somehow, we’d get out of it.  On an emotional level our children are as tense and upset as we are, but perhaps unlike us, they have the courage to throw things out in an authentic and sincere way. They are not ashamed of the feelings they have; however negative they may be. ll we have to do is wait, wait for that cursed curve of death to begin to descend and along with her, the contagion curve; wait to take our lives back into our own hands; wait for answers. Wait for the damage to be counted and for time to take away some of the pain; wait for a forgiveness that perhaps will never come, because as my daughter told me one Friday evening in March: what fault have we had in all this?

Ph. Verdiana Ramina 

You know when you run so much during your days you get up from the bed and think …. But what day is today? Maybe you think it is Tuesday and instead is already Friday (and this you are definitely happy) !!! Do you ever think that after you manage to do everything that you had planned to do during the week? It ‘so that I will have flown definitely forgot something … Here I am living a period of this type. I spend my days doing so many things that in the end I forget half. Probably I have an attention problem, but here I’m missing something by hand. It is not that we have more commitments than time? So I know that you are thinking that for you is the same thing! We crammed in to a system so hectic that they are unable to get out of it! But then what? I sit down and I laugh, I’m crazy? No, they are simply positive and I try to make my life easier and that is why I am in love with my dryer Vast & Fast because in addition to make my life easier, it also offers a service that does not offer me any other. While I’m running here and there like a centrifuge during my days, she wipes my garments, and I can iron them! And then it gives me peace of mind, because the Vast & Fast Company is an important solid reality that has lived for 15 years and which finds all solutions to all its customers. With my dryer savings in electricity since it is electric and then I take care of the environment because it does not pollute. I have to thank those who always invents appliances capable of helping us women on the move. See you soon.

Non potrei farne a meno! E’ come il battito del mio cuore, il mio respiro, il sorriso di mia figlia. Scrivere mi ha 

Scrivere mi ha salvata dai mille spostamenti di casa che ho fatta da bambina, dai cambiamenti delle scuole e da tutte le volte che ho dovuto ricominciare da zero. Mi ha salvata quando da ragazzina venivo presa in giro o quando i miei amici hanno iniziato ad usare la droga. Scrivere mi ha aiutato a capire meglio gli altri e a imparare a riflettere; mi ha aiutata a conoscere meglio me stessa e a prendere consapevolezza di chi ero senza averne paura o sentirmene in colpa. Scrivere per me è una necessità, un’energia fluida e magnetica di cui non posso fare a meno. La scrittura mi ha fatto tanta compagnia soprattutto tutte le volte che mi sono sentita sola o quando mi dicevano che dovevo essere diversa da quello che ero e io non riuscivo ad
essere me stessa perché non abbastanza forte. Scrivere è così tanto importante per me che ho lottato tutta la mia vita per farlo diventare il mio lavoro, finchè ce l’ho fatta. Sono consapevole del fatto che arrivare dal mondo della moda 
mi ha aiutata molto  e sono onorata che gli stilisti mi apprezzino e siano felici di vestirmi con i loro abiti, poichè mentre loro mi vestono con le loro collezioni, io posso indossare quella che sono: una donna che ama scrivere come se stessa. Scrivere, scrivere e ancora scrivere fino all’ ultimo respiro….. fino all’ ultimo abito..

Ph. Verdiana Ramina

English 

I could not help it! E ‘as the beating of my heart, my breath, the smile of my daughter. Writing saved me so many times that if mettessi all in a row today, maybe I would not believe it myself. Writing saved me a thousand trips home that I made as a child, by the changes of the schools and all the times that I had to start from scratch. He was saved when I was a young girl teasing or when my friends started using drugs. Writing has helped me to better understand others and to learn how to think; It helped me to know myself better and to become aware of who I was without being afraid or sentirmene guilty. Writing for me is a necessity, fluid and magnetic energy that I can not do without. The writing has made me a lot of company especially every time I felt alone or when they told me I had to be different from what I was and I was not able to be myself why not strong enough. Writing is so important to me that I have fought all my life to make it my job, as long as I did. I am aware that arrive from the fashion world . It helped a lot and I’m honored that designers appreciate me and are happy to dress with their clothes, because while they dress me with their collections, I can wear what I am: a woman who loves to write as herself. Write, write and write again until the ‘last breath ….. until the’ last dress ..

Hello dear followers, how are you? Ready for the marathon Christmas? I love this atmosphere, I love the heat that reigns in these days upcoming Christmas. Would not it be nice to live this way every day of the year, instead of only a few days? In this period I am very tired, I always arrive at the Christmas holidays, as many of you, destroyed. I worked a lot, have a little girl and be always in a hurry, well, sometimes it is very stressful. But in recent days I’m pulling the handbrake and I’m starting to take a bit ‘of time for me. I take two steps back and look at my life from the outside. I guess it all in a transparent bubble in my hand, I sit and look at it, as if I was at the cinema to see the latest film released. Only that this is not the last film with some Hollywood actor, it’s my life. My sweet little existence. I would be really objective, because the chaos of my days I can understand exactly where I’m living the life you want to live. I sit in silence, the silence that I miss so much since I have a family; that same wonderful solitude that often in life saved me, because in that silence I found myself. I would not fall into the habit of being myself, I look inside and really who are among the few things that I know, is never to look like anyone but myself. Sitting like a child astonished look at my life. My beautiful life. How much effort to get to it as well. How many cries stifled, how many choices you have distorted my and other people’s lives. How many changes often shocked me, how many colors and different smells I perceived to have what I have today. Today that bubble is in my hands because I live the life I’ve always wanted to live. I have a friend that I love and a child that is a dream come true, and the three of us form a family, simple and plain: exactly what I wanted. I love the simplicity in which we live, love my family normal, love our ancient customs such as never sit at the table without the other. We work together, we spend our week -end always together, but we give complete freedom. They say: you are lucky. No, I do not believe in luck, I made too many jokes. I believe in the sense of security that we have, in the ability to fight for what we have. I believe in hard work to carry on business without ever losing sight of our second daughter. I believe in the fact that we get up every morning at seven and often exhausted we fall asleep on the couch in the evening. I believe in the fact that we have never heard voices in the background, who did not even know who we are. I believe in the fact that everything I have, it should be preserved as the most precious gift I can receive in life … I love the normalcy of my life in a society where everything is taken to extremes, where everything has to be brought to the streets. I’m here, to look inside the bubble with my life and I am in complete adoration. My wish for Christmas is exactly this: that in your magic bubble you are living the life you wanted. Best wishes for Christmas to all of you, I embrace you.

Buongiorno cari lettori, oggi vorrei fare una riflessione su questo video meraviglioso …  Ma da dove iniziare ? Qualcuno di voi mi ha detto che sono brava a mettere per iscritto le emozioni, ma descrivere l’universo è assai complicato … Ricordo i mesi durante i quali attendevo Ginevra come i più belli della mia vita, perché quando si aspetta un bimbo c’è un’energia particolare che protegge noi mamme; in questo video lo si può quasi percepire: la calma avvolgente e dolce, semplicemente meravigliosa. In quei nove mesi il nostro corpo cambia di continuo  e noi pian piano non ci stiamo più dentro agli abiti e alla fine anche allacciarsi le scarpe diventa una scena da film comico. Mentre fuori il nostro corpo si espande, dentro esplode la vita.  Quella vita che  sentiamo crescere e poi muoversi giorno dopo  giorno  e amiamo dal primo istante. Noi mamme passiamo notti a sognare nostro figlio. Quante volte mi sono chiesta: come sarà? Quante paure di non essere all’altezza… E quante sere ho trascorso a guardare il cielo pensando, con lei nel mio grembo, a cosa fosse la vita. Un mistero incredibile ma che vale certo  la pena di vivere.. . E poi il giorno è arrivato , quel giorno , nel mio caso, è arrivato un mese prima … In questo video le mamme preparano la valigia (ah, con quanto amore prepariamo le prime tutine per i nostri bimbi!).  Io sono corsa in ospedale e non ho fatto in tempo a preparare nulla:  Ginevra è nata con parto naturale in tre ore, sotto gli occhi di un’ostetrica che aveva 35 anni di esperienza, ma che rimase senza parole per la velocità con la quale è nata. Quel dolore allucinante non lo ricordo più, perché è un dolore che si dimentica appena si stringe tra le braccia quel piccolo esserino che sarà tuo per il resto della vita. Nascendo ti regalerà una nuova e meravigliosa vita, ti metterà alla prova ogni giorno facendoti scoprire cose che nemmeno potevi immaginare di avere dentro di te, ti regalerà delle emozioni che spiegare è impossibile; esattamente come il mistero incredibile della vita…. Grazie a queste mamme per averci regalato la loro esperienza …. E alla Ford per aver pensato a noi…  Questo post lo dedico a tutte le persone( donne e uomini che ancora non sono genitori)  che mi scrivono o mi fermano per strada per dirmi che quando mi leggono ragionano sull’importanza di fare un figlio e sul fatto che la loro vita senza, forse,  è ancora vuota. Un figlio è il regalo più bello che la vita possa darci.. #ilpiùbelviaggio

Good morning dear lectors, today I would like to reflect about a wonderful video … But from where can I start? Someone of you told me that I’m good in putting into writing emotions, but describing the universe is really complicated … I remember the months when I was expecting Ginevra as the most beautiful of my life, because, when you’re expecting a baby, there’s a particular energy  which protect mums as we are;  in this video we can almost feel it: the embracing and sweet calm, simply wonderful. In those nine months our body changes  continuously and slowly we don’t fit into the clothes and, at the end, even tiyng the shoes becomes a hilarious comic movie scene. While outside our body expands itself, inside life explodes. That life that we feel growing and then moving day by day and that we love since the first moment. Mums like us  spend nights dreaming about our baby. How many times I wondered : how she will be like? How many fears about not to measure up… And how many times I spent watching the sky, thinking, with her in my womb, about what life was. An incredible mistery but that surely worth to live … And then the day arrived , that day, in my case, arrived a month before…. In this video mums are preparing their suitcase (ah, with how much love we prepare the first romper suits for our babies!). I have run to the hospital and I didn’t had the time to prepare anything: Ginevra came into the world in three hours with natural childbirth, under the control of an obstetrician with 35 years of experience. Beside this, she was speechless because of the speed of her birth. I don’t remember anymore that unreal pain, because you forget this pain as soon as you tighten in your arms that tiny human being that will be yours for the rest of your life. By coming into the world, the baby will give you a new, wonderful life, every day he will put you to the test letting you know things that you didn’t even imagine to have inside of your person, he will give you emotions impossible to be explained; exactly as the incredible mistery of life… Thanks to all the mums for giving us their experience… And at Ford for thinking of us .. I  dedicate this post to all the people (women and men who are not parents yet) who write me or stop me in the street in order to tell me that, when they read my blog, reflect about the importance of  having a baby and about the fact that, maybe, their life is still empty without him. A baby is the most beautiful gift that life could give us. #themostbeautifuljourney

 Ciao Barbara, da dove vuoi iniziare?

Ciao Nicole,  inizio a raccontarti che sto insieme a Riccardo dal 2003 e che nel 2006, il giorno di S.Valentino mi ha chiesto di essere sua moglie e così nel 2007 ci siamo sposati …

Una coppia giovane e innamorata che corona il suo sogno d’amore.

Esattamente! Non abbiamo cercato subito di avere un bimbo perché volevamo prima conoscerci meglio, divertirci e viaggiare ancora un po’ solo come coppia, ma abbiamo comprato un cane, Rey.

Fino a quando poi…

Nel 2009 pensiamo di avere un bimbo ed è stato incredibile perché sono rimasta incinta a giugno, due mesi dopo che ne avevamo parlato … Eravamo alle stelle! La gravidanza procedeva bene e arrivato agosto siamo andati in ferie sereni. Poi a settembre ho fatto la visita dei tre mesi e il ginecologo di allora riscontra un ematoma sulla mia placenta.

Di cosa si trattava esattamente?

Esattamente si chiamava ematoma sottocoriale ed era un vero e proprio ematoma della placenta, ma che nella maggior dei casi viene riassorbito. All’epoca il mio ginecologo mi disse di stare serena e che non era nulla di grave.

A cosa poteva portare l’ematoma?

Forse l’ematoma c’era perché la placenta non si era attaccata bene e quindi poteva portare ad un  distaccamento. Ma ripeto, il ginecologo mi disse di stare serena e io tornai a casa tranquilla da quella visita.

Cosa è accaduto in seguito ?

Soffrivo di continue contrazioni, avevo sempre la pancia dura e mi davano molto fastidio. Ero triste perché comunque non mi sentivo bene. Finché non ho avuto una piccola perdita di sangue e sono stata ricoverata.

 E ti hanno messa a riposo.

Assoluto. Ero entrata al quarto mese e da lì sono sempre stata a letto … Nel frattempo ho cambiato ginecologo,ma le contrazioni sono continuate, finché  alla ventiduesima settimana una notte,mentre ero a letto, sento una perdita importante d’acqua … Corriamo in ospedale e la diagnosi fu quella meno sperata: rottura franca bassa della placenta.

Che cosa significa ?

Significa che avevo rotto le acque nella parte più bassa della placenta, perché la placenta si può rompere sopra o da una parte, ma se si rompe nella parte bassa vuol dire che il liquido amniotico esce con molta più facilità.

 E lì ti ricoverano un’altra volta. 

Esattamente,  mi mettono sotto antibiotici per bloccare le contrazioni; alla ventitreesima settimana mi spostano dall’ ospedale di Thiene a quello di Padova, perché solo lì avevano i mezzi necessari per salvare un bimbo che nasce prematuro.

 E cosa avviene successivamente?

In quei giorni sono stata aiutata molto a livello psicologico: il bimbo, se fosse sopravvissuto dopo essere stato dentro la placenta così tanto senza liquido amniotico, quasi sicuramente non sarebbe stato sano al 100% e quindi da lì ho iniziato un percorso … Ero nel reparto di ostetricia e anche se in camera da sola, vedevo continuamente mamme entrare e che partorivano, in giro per l’ospedale con i loro figli  e poi andare a casa … ed io , cosa ci sarebbe accaduto ? Vi lascio immaginare lo stato d’animo …

Vuoi raccontarcelo ?

Certo… il bambino è nato il 2 gennaio 2010, ero al sesto mese, me l’hanno portato via subito e non l’ho visto per due giorni. Io avevo perso molto sangue ed ero completamente disabilitata. Ma il bimbo era nato senza un polmone e il suo cranio non era totalmente sviluppato. Il 4 gennaio mi chiamano e mi dicono che il piccolo sta peggiorando e se volevo vederlo. Non sono nemmeno riuscita ad arrivare in rianimazione in tempo … me l’hanno portato fuori ed era già senza vita.

(Barbara scoppia a piangere e io con lei…). Respira e riprende il suo racconto …

Il mio bambino si chiamava Tommaso, era nato di 9 etti, ma il problema è stato che io avevo un’infezione che durante il parto cesario  gli ho trasmesso e lui non ha avuto la forza di lottare per reagire.Ero distrutta, ma con la consapevolezza che il bimbo avrebbe avuto una vita molto complicata e difficile perché di fatto sarebbe stato un bimbo leso fisicamente e psicologicamente. Ovviamente in seguito uno psicologo mi ha seguita e aiutata. Solo che io fisicamente non stavo più bene e sentivo tanto male la pancia, un dolore incredibile.

Cosa ti era capitato ancora?

Successivamente, dopo il parto ho avuto una seconda infezione e solo dopo molte visite, uno specialista ha capito che si trattava di un’ endometrite, un’infezione molto grave, che però sono riuscita a debellare dopo una cura antibiotica

Guarita fisicamente …

Già, non di certo psicologicamente … però grazie allo psicologo ho fatto un percorso personale che mi ha veramente sostenuta. Quell’estate ci siamo concessi un viaggio in America, abbiamo visto San .Francisco, Los Angeles, Il Grand Canyon , ne avevamo un gran bisogno entrambi …

E da qui sei ripartita a vivere?

Non è stato facile , ma la voglia di maternità era più forte di qualsiasi altra cosa, anche della morte… Nella primavera del 2011 sono rimasta incinta con la stessa facilità della prima volta. Questa è stata una gravidanza completamente diversa, cercavo per quanto possibile di essere serena e non pensare a nulla di negativo, non volevo trasmettere al bimbo brutti pensieri e infatti le cose sono andate benissimo, Azzurra è nata il 5 gennaio (un giorno dopo la morte del suo fratellino), è nata in 37 settimane con un parto cesario programmato ed è stata la luce della nostra vita.

Ma la luce non voleva rimanere troppo da sola.

Infatti ! Nel settembre del 2013 ero incinta nuovamente…. Inizialmente ero molto spaventata, non sapevo se avessi potuto avere altri figli dopo quello che avevo vissuto, ma il mio ginecologo e i dottori dell’ ospedale mi hanno tenuta sotto controllo dal primo giorno. Alla ventinovesima settimana ho avuto una perdita di sangue e quindi non ho più potuto muovermi dal letto.

E in seguito? 

Poi è accaduto nuovamente quello che mai si augura debba accadere: alla trentatreesima settimana c’è stata un distaccamento della placenta e mi ha fatto fare un parto cesario d’urgenza, insomma  grazie al dottore che ha preso la decisione di operarmi d’urgenza sono viva !

E il piccolo a quel punto come stava?

E’ nato il 10 aprile 2014, 2kg300gr, è stato un po’ in terapia, ma è andato tutto bene !

Io respiro un attimo mentre Barbara finisce il suo caffè e guarda Tommaso che è seduto nel suo passeggino e sorride bellissimo.

Quindi per concludere, tu non avevi problemi ad avere figli, ma cosa è accaduto la prima volta?

Nessuno mi ha mai dato una spiegazione: un dottore mi ha detto che quel “famoso” ematoma non era stata per forza la causa di quello che era accaduto mentre un altro mi ha detto esattamente il contrario. Credo che non lo saprò mai.

Rimango in silenzio a guardare Tommaso che continua a ridere.

Ci tengo a dire una cosa. Aggiunge Barbara: ho chiamato il mio secondo figlio maschio come il primo, anche se molti la trovano una cosa assai discutibile, perché ci sentivamo di farlo. Tra l’altro la data di nascita di Tommaso se letta al contrario riporta alla data di morte di suo fratello; quel 4 mi è sempre tornato come un numero fortunato.

Mentre finisce di raccontarmi penso che “gli altri” non dovrebbero nemmeno permettersi di fare pensieri o di dire la propria opinione di fronte ad una storia così … Barbara e Riccardo oggi hanno due figli bellissimi e una stella in cielo che li protegge ogni giorno e chissà, mi piace pensare che un giorno loro potranno riabbracciare quel bimbo …

Infine ci salutiamo, Barbara sta abbracciando il piccolo Tommaso, e mentre ci stiamo salutando mi dice: “C’è una persona che devo ringraziare, per essermi stato vicino, notte e giorno per avermi accudita sempre ed essere andato alla ricerca dei dottori migliori e di ogni cura possibile e che se oggi, noi siamo qui tutti è grazie a soprattutto a lui, devo ringraziare di cuore mio marito, che è una persona meravigliosa.

Ringrazio Barbara per il suo racconto e la sua forza incredibile !Buona giornata a voi …

Good morning dear readers, what did you do during this first weekend of May? The month of May is extremely important to me because my little girl was born on May 20th! That’s right, Ginevra is going to be 3 soon, time flies! But today I won’t talk about us, here is my last interview to a mom, a mom and a woman just like all of us. Her name is Barbara and she has two beautiful kids: Azzurra, 3 years old, and Tommaso, 1 year old. She had to go through a lot in her life and she had to face a lot of challenges. This is not going to be an easy story to tell, but I’m sure it will be helpful to all of the women out there who had experienced the same loss…

Hello Barbara, where would you like to start from? 

Hi Nicole, I would like to start my story by telling you that I am in a relationship with Riccardo since 2003. On Valentine’s day of 2006 he asked me to be his wife and so we got married in 2007…

A couple of young people who are in love and decide to make their dream come true.

Exactly! We decided that we weren’t going to have a baby right away because we wanted to have some time to know each other better, travel and have fun together as a couple, but we did get a dog, Rey.

Until…

In year 2009 we started thinking about having a child and it was incredible because I got pregnant in June, only a couple of months after we started to try…we were unbelievably happy and excited! Pregnancy was going fine and in August we went on holiday…but then in September I went to the doctor for the usual check and he found a hematoma on my placenta.

What exactly is it?

It’s called subchorionic hematoma and it was an actual bruise on the placenta surface, but it normally fades on its own. At the time my gynecologist told me that it was nothing bad and there was nothing to worry about.

What could have been the consequences of the hematoma?

The hematoma could have been possibly due to the fact that the placenta wasn’t properly connected, so it might have caused its detachment. But, like I said, the doctor told me that it was fine, so I went home with no concerns.

What happened then?

I would constantly have contractions, my belly was always stiff and it was quite annoying. I was very upset because I wasn’t feeling good. That’s until I experienced some bleeding and I was taken to the hospital.

They told you to have some rest?

Absolutely. I was barely 4 months pregnant and from then I had to stay in bed until due date. In the meantime I changed doctor, but the contractions were still there. Then one night, when I was 22 weeks in, I felt a large amount of water…we immediately went to the hospital and the diagnosis was that my placenta had broken.

What does that mean?

It means that my water broke on the lower part of

my placenta. Placenta can break on top or on the side, but when it breaks on the lower part, water flows out much more easily.

So you had to go back to the hospital.

That’s right, they start putting me on antibiotics in order to stop contractions. When I was twenty three weeks pregnant they moved me from the hospital of Thiene to the hospital in Padua, as it was the only one properly equipped to save the life of a premature baby.

And what happened there?

During those days I had to be strongly supported and helped: the baby, in the case he had survived, wouldn’t have been 100% healthy, not after staying in the placenta with no amniotic fluid for so long. So that’s when I started a new path… I was in the maternity ward, even though I was in a room by myself, I was constantly surrounded by mothers, I would see them give birth, walk around the hospital with their newborns and then leave to go back home and enjoy their little ones…but what about me? What was in store for me and my baby? I’m sure you can imagine how upset I could have been…

Would you like to talk about it?

Sure… the baby was born on January 2, 2010…I was six months along. They took him away from me right away and I couldn’t see him for two days. I had a severe blood loss and I was totally debilitated.  But the baby was born without one lung and his cranium wasn’t fully developed. On January 4th they called me saying that the baby’s conditions were getting worse and they asked me if I wanted to see him. I didn’t even make it to the emergency room in time to see him, when they brought him out he had already passed away.

– Barbara starts crying and so do I… She takes a deep breath and goes on with the story –

My baby’s name was Tommaso, he weighted 0,9 kilos, but the main issue was that I had an infection that was then transmitted to him during the C-section, and he just didn’t have the strength to fight the infection and react.

I was devastated, but I knew he would never have been able to conduct a normal life as he was a physically and psychologically damaged baby. Of course I needed some help to go through all this, and I was followed and supported by a psychologist. Also, besides the psychological pain I was dealing with, my tummy was hurting really bad as well.

Now what?

After giving birth I had another infection and only after many medical examinations, the doctor found out I had endometritis: a really bad infection that I was luckily able to fight with an antibiotic cure.

You were finally ok…

Yes, at least physically, not psychologically… but with the help of the psychologist who was taking care of me I conducted a personal path that really supported me. that summer we decided to go on vacation in the United States, we visited San Francisco, Los Angeles, the Grand Canyon…we both needed that…

That’s when your new life started?

It was never easy, but I wanted to be a mother more than anything else, that feeling was even stronger than death… in spring 2011 I got pregnant just as easily as the first time. This one was a completely different pregnancy, I tried my best to stay positive and never have negative thoughts: I didn’t want the baby to feel my negativity. And indeed everything went fine, Azzurra was born on January 5th (the day after her brother’s death), after 37 weeks of pregnancy with scheduled c-section, and she came into the world like the love of our lives.

But she didn’t want to stay by herself.

That’s right, in September 2013 I was pregnant again… at first I was really scared, I didn’t know if I could have other babies after all I had gone through, but the gynecologist and the doctors from the hospital kept an eye on me since the very beginning, throughout the whole pregnancy.  When I was twenty nine weeks along I experienced a little bleeding, and after that I had to stay in bed for the rest of the time.

And then what happened?

Then, the one thing you would never want to happen occurred again…thirty three weeks along I had a placenta abruption and I had to undergo an emergency c-section! I am only alive thanks to the doctor who decided to give me an emergency surgical operation!

What happened to the baby?

The baby was born on April 10, 2014.

He’s been in therapy for some time, but now he’s fine and everything went ok!

I take a breath while Barbara finishes her coffee and looks over to Tommaso, who is sitting in his stroller by us, with a beautiful smile.

So, you didn’t have any type of problem for having a baby. What happened the first time?

I never really got an answer to that question: I was told by one doctor that the hematoma on my placenta wasn’t necessarily what caused the whole thing, while another doctor told me the exact opposite. I don’t think I will ever really know.

I am still looking at Tommaso, who sits there and keeps smiling.

I would like to clarify something: my second baby boy has the same name as my first one, I know a lot of people may find that debatable, but we just wanted to do so. And besides, Tommaso’s birth date, if read from bottom to top, is the date of his brother’s death; 4 has always been a lucky number for me.

While Barbara finishes her story, in my head I am thinking that nobody should even dare judging this decision or say something about it, in front of such an experience…

Today Barbara and Riccardo have two beautiful children and a bright star that looks over them from the sky and protects them every day…and maybe one day they will be able to see that baby again…

Before leaving Barbara hugs her little Tommaso, and then she says: “there’s one person I would really like to thank for always being there for me, for taking care of me every day, day and night, for having always looked for the best doctors and cures, and it’s only thanks to him if we are all here today. I want to thank my husband from the bottom of my heart, because he is truly an amazing person.”

Thank you Barbara for your story and your unbelievable strength!

Have a good day…

Intanto ti ringrazio per avermi raccontato la tua storia …

Non è facile raccontare la propria storia. Perché una vita è fatta di molti avvenimenti, ricordi, delusioni, sconfitte, vittorie, dolori, gioie e molto altro ma sono una persona che accetta sempre le sfide. E quindi ho accettato dopo la mia e-mail di essere intervistata da te.

Ti vuoi presentare?

Mi chiamo Monia Uliana e ho 25 anni. 25 anni che sembrano però un bagaglio di 50 anni di vita… almeno è cosi che mi sento.

Da dove vuoi iniziare?

Beh, dall’ inizio: non ho mai avuto una vita facile e fin da bambina, sembra che la vita si diverta a darmi ostacoli da superare e io ogni volta devo trovare la forza per superarli e devo dire che finora sono riuscita a saltarli tutti e tutto ciò mi ha formato molto e mi ritengo una persona molto forte. Ma essere forte non significa che tutto sia facile, molti credono che perché sei forte e hai superato mille dolori allora non ti serve una spalla ma spesso questa viene a mancare: la mia infanzia non è stata delle migliori tra problemi economici e la mancanza di un padre per molti anni perché stava scontando la sua pena in carcere. Devo dire però che ho avuto e ho tuttora fortunatamente una madre eccezionale, che ha cresciuto da sola senza chiedere niente a nessuno due figli. Il suo esempio e la sua forza credo siano davvero la benzina della mia vita.

Fino ai tuoi 18 quando sembra esserci uno spiraglio di luce….

Già, arrivano anche per me i tanto attesi 18 anni per poi capire che la vita è sempre lì che ti attende per metterti alla prova….

Di cosa stai parlando? (Respira piano e continua il suo racconto)

Mancavano tre giorni al mio esame di maturità, i miei pensieri in quei giorni erano solo studiare e cercare di fare il massimo negli esami per poter prendere finalmente questo diploma come perito turistico… ma un suono del campanello in piena notte cambia per sempre la mia vita: mio fratello aveva avuto un brutto incidente, non si sapevano ancora le sue condizioni, si sapeva solo che uno dei 4 in macchina era morto.Ricordo ancora il tragitto in macchina fino all’ ospedale, se chiudo gli occhi vedo ancora io, mia madre e mio padre che entriamo nella stanza in ospedale in cui c’è un dottore che ci dice che la persona arrivata non aveva documenti con sé e che comunque era deceduta… ma doveva essere riconosciuta ovviamente non avendo documenti d’ identità.. mia madre come sempre fu la persona più forte al mondo.. ricordo perfettamente la sua figura che entrava nella stanza per vedere se era lui o no, ricordo la mia speranza che si sbagliassero, mio fratello non poteva essere morto, aveva solo 26 anni… poi ecco ricordo nuovamente la sua figura uscire dalla stanza e dire: sì, è lui. Il mondo è crollato. Non ci sono parole per descrivere un lutto del genere, tutta la vita, il destino ti sembrano completamente diversi, rivedi tutto, tutte le cose della tua vita cambiano di posto, niente è e sarà come prima di quel maledetto 15 giugno 2008.

Terribile …

E il 18 giugno 2008 mi ritrovo ad alzarmi e a dover fare gli esami di maturità… ricordo ancora la sensazione che avevo quando ero seduta tra i banchi e guardavo i miei compagni finché aspettavamo iniziasse l’esame…li guardavo, li vedevo sorridere, parlare della paura dell’ esame e mi dicevo “ma come è possibile, mio fratello è morto, per me il mondo è completamente cambiato ma in realtà lo stesso mondo non se n’è nemmeno accorto… ho cominciato a rendermi conto di molte cose e a dare alla vita un valore del tutto diverso. Comunque faccio gli esami, anche se non al meglio perché tutti i voti che alla fine ottengo nelle varie prove sono  al di sotto delle mie possibilità e  completamente diversi rispetto ai  risultati che avevo avuto nelle prove precedenti… ottengo comunque un voto finale pari a 85 che è comunque soddisfacente.

Sei stata veramente in gamba!  E da lì dovevi ricominciare tutto …

Infatti, una volta preso il diploma dovevo prendere in mano la mia vita e farne qualcosa… la mia aspirazione era l’ università… avevo due passioni: lo sport e scrivere. Ho sempre praticato atletica leggera a livello agonistico con buoni risultati anche. Lo sport mi ha salvato perché mi ha dato un rigore di vita sano, principi veri e valori molto rispettabili.

Ma?

La vita aveva in riserbo per me ancora sorprese… conosco un ragazzo… o meglio un uomo perché aveva 15 anni più di me, me ne innamoro perdutamente e dopo un mese scopro di aspettare un bambino. C’è chi lo ha chiamato errore, chi sciocchezza giovanile, chi in altri modi davvero irritanti … io l’ho chiamato da subito semplicemente mio figlio, la mia vita. Scelgo comunque di tenerlo, nonostante abbia tutto il mondo contro, inizialmente anche i miei genitori ma sento che non posso gettarlo via come tutti mi consigliano, è un bambino, il mio bambino, anche se non lo vedevo, sentivo che lui c’era, aveva un cuoricino minuscolo che già batteva. Tutti ovviamente sono scioccati, io, la  ragazza perfetta con voti sempre alti a scuola, risultati ottimi nello sport, mai fumato, mai bevuto, mai fatto tardi, mai combinato neanche una marachella nella mia vita, ero rimasta incinta di una persona che conoscevo appena. Eppure era successo. Sicuramente il fatto che stavo elaborando il lutto di mio fratello ha voluto dire molto, avevo bisogno di una spalla, di conforto e in quel momento lui aveva saputo darmi quel calore che cercavo, darmi quel brivido che un po’ mi confortatava…

Che cosa hai deciso?

Ho  lottato contro il mondo e decido di diventare madre e moglie. E dopo un po’ anche i miei genitori hanno abbassato l’ ascia da guerra e hanno capito che un figlio già l’ avevano perso e che non era il caso di perdere anche l’ unica rimasta. Dal momento in cui hanno abbassato l’ ascia da guerra devo dire che mi sono stati di grande aiuto e conforto, sia a livello affettivo che a livello pratico in quanto hanno deciso di restaurare la vecchia casa e farne cosi uscire due appartamenti indipendenti, uno per loro e uno per noi. Purtroppo però dopo due anni di matrimonio le cose cominciano andare male, molti problemi, incomprensioni…tanto che mi separo e resto a crescere mio figlio da sola. Fortunatamente possiedo una casa mia e i miei genitori al piano di sotto e questo mi ha molto aiutato in tutti i campi, morale, affettivo e pratico di gestione del piccolo con il lavoro.

Giovanissima a crescere un figlio….

Non è stato facile, e non lo è tuttora. Fare da padre e madre a volte è davvero stressante… a volte si ha bisogno di una pausa, di una boccata d’ aria ma si sa, dal momento in cui diventi genitore lo sei 24 ore su 24, 7 giorni su 7 e 365 giorni all’ anno… farlo da sola poi è ancora più dura. Essere mamma è dura, essere una mamma single lo è di più  e essere mamma single e ancora adolescente non ha pari. Ora ho 25 anni e mio figlio ha 6 anni e non nego che di anni me ne sento molti di più… direi che 35 – 40 anni me li sento tutti. Ho dovuto affrontare cose che molti nemmeno in tutta una vita devono affrontare ma non mi piango addosso, no per niente. Questo ha voluto la vita per me e comunque sia la vivo a pieni polmoni e traggo quello che di meglio può dare.

Cosa ti rende felice oggi?

Dopo tutto questo ho imparato ad amare le cose semplici: una prato verde, un bel sole e mio figlio che corre e gioca felice sotto un cielo limpido e azzurro e io non chiedo altro. Purtroppo però si deve anche mangiare, pagare le bollette, le tasse e i lavori sono sempre meno e precari.

Che cosa fai nella vita per vivere?

Ho 25 anni e ho provato tanti di quei lavori… ho fatto la baby sitter, ho dato ripetizioni, ho raccolto verdura nei campi, ho fatto pulizie presso alcune famiglie, ho lavorato al mercato vendendo piante e fiori, ho fatto l’articolista free lance per vari siti e blog, ho fatto la rappresentante, ho lavorato per un’ agenzia viaggi online, poi nuovamente mercato a vendere frutta e verdura, ho fatto la cameriera. Insomma pur di crescere mio figlio mi sono adattata a tutto ma è sempre più dura; i lavori sono sempre meno e sempre più precari. Io ho dentro di me un grande fuoco, una grande energia e sento che potrei e vorrei fare molto di più. Credo di avere davvero una forza dentro e questo nessuno lo capisce, sono stanca di porte in faccia, di “le faremo sapere”. Attualmente faccio pulizie presso due famiglie, faccio due mercati alla settimana di frutta e verdura e scrivo qualche articolo qua e là per qualche sito internet… insomma tiro avanti come posso ma non si può vivere cosi. Non si può vivere con l’ angoscia che ogni settimana non si sa se si lavora 4, 5 o 6 giorni, e se si ha la febbre non si è pagati, sapete quante volte sono andata a lavoro con 38 e più di febbre per la paura di perdere il posto o comunque perdere la paga giornaliera? Non si può.. dove è finita la valorizzazione della persona, il renderla soddisfatta della sua vita, del suo lavoro, renderla una persona realizzata?

Un sogno nel cassetto?

Se dovessi davvero chiudere gli occhi ed esprimere un desiderio, oltre alla salute per mio figlio e la mia famiglia, chiederei di riuscire a realizzarmi come persona. Mi piacerebbe molto riuscire a fare l’ articolista free lance come professione stabile cosi da poter realizzarmi ed in più riuscire a gestire mio figlio e aiutarlo nella sua crescita, perché c’è poco da dire come cresce la mamma i propri figli non li cresce nessuno. Infondo non credo di chiedere molto… credo anche di meritarla un po’ di felicità e serenità. Ho affrontato tutto a testa alta e continuerò a farlo così come continuerò a lottare pur di riuscire a realizzare il mio sogno di essere una donna realizzata e madre allo stesso tempo. Tutte abbiamo il diritto di essere entrambe le cose. Le cose non vanno separate anche perché, ricordiamo bene,  una donna realizzata è una donna in pace con se stessa e una donna in pace con se stessa è una donna serena.. a sua volta una donna serena è una donna felice e una donna felice non può che essere una mamma migliore.

Dite che sia così impossibile trovare a questa ragazza un posto fisso di lavoro? Contattate me, cercate lei nei social fate quello che volete, ma datele una mano, PLEASE !

Buona giornata

Good morning friends, today we are talking about something serious. This is my world: my simple, small and big blog which I fully pour myself into…the diary that allows me to share with you a lot of things, because I am a lot of things, a lot of dimensions, from the surface to the deepest and sensitive side of myself, which I mostly keep for the people I love and only let it out for my job as my creative side… but today, I feel the need to tell you about something that has really touched me. Every day I receive many and many Emails and comments from all of you, the biggest part of them are usually very brief and are mostly compliments. I want to thank you so much for everything, I never received any negative comment! Never, since my blog started…thank you! But besides that, like I said, I also receive a lot of Emails, in which you tell me things that you would only say to your psychologist and share with me your thoughts, your problems, your fears, looking for some advice from me… Most of you request to work with me for my blog because you love to write as much as I do, and my answer is always that behind my blog there’s a great team of people that I would never change and for now I don’t need any more people to work with me…some of you also write me to get some help from me and my many connection, and at the end of the day, the issue is always the same: you’re asking for a job because don’t have one! I picked out one Email from the many I have. It is from a girl who lives in Padova and her story is incredible and just like many of you, she needs a job too. I decided to interview her to give her the chance to stick out and I really hope someone out there will be able to contact her. I think we are all here to help each other…and we must keep in mind that, even if things for us are going great right now, life can turn any moment and tomorrow we could be the ones in need for some help, so LET’S HELP HER!

First of all, thank you for sharing your story with me…

It is not easy to share one’s story because life is made of many events, memories, disappointments, defeats, successes, pain, joy and a whole lot more. But I always accept every challenge, that’s why I agreed to be interviewed by you after my Email.

Would you like to introduce yourself?

My name is Monia Uliana and I am 25 years old. I’m 25, but it feels like I’m 50 for all the experiences I had…

Where would you like to start from?

Let’s start from the beginning: my life has never been happy and since I was little it seems like someone enjoys giving me a hard time, and every time I need to find the strength to try and overcome all the hurdles. So far I was always able to make it and this certainly made me a very strong person. But becoming stronger didn’t make everything easier, that’s what a lot of people think: if you’re strong and you went through a lot then you don’t need help anymore, but most of the times that’s absolutely not the case. My childhood didn’t go smoothly, due to financial problems and the lack of a father figure for many years, as he was in prison. But luckily I had, and I still have, an amazing mother, who raised two kids by herself, without ever asking for help. I think her strength, as well as following her example, are truly what make me go on in life.

That’s until you turn 18, when there seems to be a glimmer of hope…

Yes, I  finally turned 18, the goal I had been waiting for! But only to find out that life is always there, ready to challenge you…

What do you mean? – she breaths slowly and keeps on with her story –

It was three day before my high school final exam, all I was thinking about during those days was studying and I was focused on doing my best in order to finally get my diploma as a tourist surveyor. But in the middle of the night the ring of the doorbell changed my life forever: my brother had a terrible accident, they still didn’t know what his conditions were, all they knew was that one of 4 people in the car had died. I still remember the drive to the hospital, when I close my eyes I still can see my mom, my dad and myself walking in that room, the doctor was there, he told us that the guy didn’t have any documents on him and that, by the way, he had passed away…but obviously, not having any documents, he needed to be identified… my mom, as usual, was the strongest person in the world, I remember her entering the room to look at the body, in my head I knew they were wrong, my brother couldn’t have been dead, he was only 26! But then my mom walked out: “yes, that’s him.” The world collapsed. No words can describe such a loss. Everything, your whole life, your destiny, everything seems so different when you look at it after something like that. Your perspective of things changes and everything gets redimensioned, and nothing could ever get back to normal after that cursed day, June 15 2008

That’s awful…

And…on June 18 2008, I have to get up, go to school and go through my final exam… I still remember the feeling I had as I was sitting at my desk, looking at my classmates waiting for the exam to begin… I was staring at them, I could see them chat, smile, talk about how scared they were of the upcoming test…and all I could think of was: “how can my brother be dead?”. My whole world had changed, but the world didn’t even notice… I started realizing a lot of things and life since then has had a totally different value for me. However, I do all my tests and finish the exam, even if it didn’t really go as expected: all my partial grades in the different classes were remarkably lower than what I was used to… but I still make it to a final grade of 85, which is still alright.

You really did a great job! And from then everything was going to begin…

That’s right, after graduating I wanted to grab my life and actually do something with it… what I really wanted to do was going to university. I had two passions in life: sport and writing. I have always done athletics on a competitive level and I also achieved some good results. I can say sport has saved me because it led me to a healthy life style and game me true and honest values.

But?

Life has something different in store for me, more surprises…I met a guy, or should I say a man, as it was  years older than me. I deeply fell in love with him and after only one month I found out I was expecting a baby. Some people call it a mistake, some others say it’s just the result of the recklessness of youth, some describe it in a quite annoying way, I simply call it my son. My life. I decided to keep him, despite the whole world was attacking me, even my mom and dad at first. But I knew I could get rid of it like everyone kept telling me! It’s a baby, it’s my baby! And even if I couldn’t see him yet, I could feel he was there, his tiny little heart was already beating. Of course, everybody was shocked, me, the perfect diligent girl who never even got a bad grade in school and was always successful in sports, the girl who has never smoked, never drank, was never late and never gotten into trouble, I had fallen pregnant with a person I had just met. Certainly the fact that was still trying to accept the loss of my brother had a lot to do with it, I needed a friend, I needed someone to comfort me, and in that moment, he was the one who was able to give me what I was looking for, that chill that made me feel a little better…

What did you decide?

I fought against the world and I decided to become a mother, and a wife. And after a little while my mom and dad buried the hatchet as well because they understood they already lost one child and didn’t want to lose the only one left. From the moment we reconciled they have been a great support and comfort for me, both on the emotional level and on the practical one too: they decided to renovate their old house and they made two separate apartments out of it, one for them and one for us. Unfortunately though, after the first two years of marriage, things started going wrong, a lot of problems, a lot of misunderstandings…and that’s when we decide to split and I find myself raising my child on my own. Luckily I had my own house and my parents lived pretty much downstairs…these factors definitely helped out a lot, emotionally, practically and mostly in the management of the baby and the job.

So young and raising a child…

It was never easy, and it still isn’t. Being a mother and a father can be extremely stressful…sometimes you really need to take a break. But when you become a parent, you need to be a parent 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, all year long…and doing it all alone makes it ten times more difficult. Being a mom is really a tough task by itself, being a single mom is even tougher, being a single adolescent mom….well you can imagine what it feels like! Now I’m 25 years old and my son is 6 and I can honestly say I do feel much older than what I actually am… I would say at least 35 or 40! I had to go through things that most people out there don’t even see throughout their entire existence, but I don’t feel sorry for myself, not at all. This is what life had in store for me and no matter what happens I live my life fully, always trying to get the best out of it.

What makes you happy today?

After all this, I learnt to love the most simple things: a green field, warm sun and my son playing and running around cheerfully underneath a clear blue sky, that’s all I could ask for. But unfortunately we can’t just live like that, we also need to get ourselves something to eat and pay the bills, and nowadays jobs have become impossible to find and  almost every job is temporary.

What do you do for a living?

I’m 25 and I have tried so many different jobs… I worked as a baby sitter, a tutor, a housekeeper, I picked up vegetables in a field, I worked at the local market selling flowers, freelance columnist for several websites, salesperson, online tour operator, then again at the market selling fruits and vegetables and waitress. I mean, in order to raise my child I had to adjust to pretty much everything but it gets harder and harder. I have a huge fire inside of me, a strong energy, and I feel like I could, and I would like to do a lot more. I really do think I have some sort of energy within, the problem is that nobody can see it, I am tired of looking at doors getting shut in my face. I am currently working as a housekeeper for two different families and two days a week I also work at the market selling fruits and vegetables, also I write some articles here and there for a few websites… I do what I can but I can’t live like this. I can’t live with the constant worry that, week by week, I don’t even know if I’ll be working 4, 5 or 6 days. Of course if I get sick I don’t get paid, I don’t even know how many times I went to work with a high fever and the fear of losing the job, or even just the daily paycheck. It’s impossible… where is the appreciation? Why can’t we all be happy of who we are, of the job we have and feel realized and successful?

Do you have a dream?

If I could really close my eyes and make a wish, besides wishing for my son to be always healthy, I would like to be a successful person. I would really like to be a freelance columnist as a permanent job so that I could feel satisfied and successful and take care of my son and help him in his path of growth at the same time. The truth is that only a mom can raise her children like a mom does. I am not asking for much…and I think I possibly deserve some happiness and serenity in my life. I faced everything with my head always held high and I will continue fighting to make my dream come true and finally be a successful woman and a successful mom as well. We all have the right to be both things. Being a mom and having a job should always go together because a satisfied woman is also serene, a serene woman is also happy and a happy woman can only be a better mother!

So, what do you think? Can we find a permanent  job for this young woman?

Have a good day

Buongiorno

scalza!

mia!

Hello everyone…this morning I was standing in front of the window, staring outside…it was about…seven thirty; Nicola was already gone with Ginevra, he took her to the nursery school today and I was already up and dressed, ready to start my day, but before I do anything there is an fundamental thing that I do every day: I need to drink my cup of hot coffee, and every now and then I even treat myself with a nice breakfast at the bar. But not this morning, I was just standing there with this steamy cup of coffee in my hands, enjoying the silence in the house, silence… do you ever listen to it? I love it…ever since Ginevra has become part of our lives, filling them with so much joy, silence has become a rare sound. Do you ever listen to the beat of your heart? This morning, as I was standing there in front of my window, looking at the beautiful view outside, I thought about dreams… Do you ever dream? I sometimes think I live in the dreams… My best friend, her name is Michela and I met her 28 years ago, for me she is more than a sister. One day I asked her to describe my character and personality and the very first thing she said was: “Well, you most definitely live in your own world, lucky who can get to you!”. We burst into laughs like crazy. But what she said was true, I have an incredible imagination, I always have. When I was a child I thought I was going to work for NASA and that I would have accomplished some great endeavor for mankind (?????). As a teenager instead I wanted to travel all over the world, with no shoes on (?????). Can you believe that?? With a caravan could have been a little more acceptable, but no, I wanted to be barefoot! But I have to say that this side of my personality that distinguishes me, has helped me a lot throughout the years, because dreaming is a need! At the end of the day, I can say that today I am the person I have always dreamed to become. I haven’t travelled the world barefoot, but I have always travelled a lot. For years I dreamed about finding a man exactly like Nicola: a brilliant, intelligent man who makes me laugh and keeps me safe all the time, and he is just like that. I have always wanted a baby girl and now, here she is, walking around the house, and she is all mine! I wanted to work in fashion and I have for many years…and my dream job was something that would allow me to raise my child and I have created such job with my own hands! I am never going to stop dreaming, I might have a slightly untruthful vision of reality but what I see, what I have, is awesome! Things haven’t always been ok, I have suffered a lot in life even though I have always had the support of my family, great friends who love me and many other people who have never left me. But if I wasn’t a Dreamer, I don’t think I would have made it through all the situations! But I did, and my reward is the life I am living now! It is everything I have always dreamed of. I don’t believe those people who claim to be strong, we are only human beings fighting our own little battles day by day, some are tougher and some are easier. Most of them we make it through but some of them, we are just not strong enough to succeed, but this is also affected by factors that, most of the times, are not under our control…I have never felt to be a strong person, even if the second thing Michela said, as she was describing my character, was: “I have never met a person as strong as you are!”. And as I was sipping on my coffee this morning, I smiled, thinking of how strong and satisfied of a person I am and even if I suffered, I believed so much in my dreams that I saw them come true! What I am trying to say is that even though it may seem simple, dreaming is a fundamental part of our life, never stop dreaming! This all makes me smile because I normally am an extremely auto-ironic person, but I consider dreaming a very serious matter! Don’t believe those people who tell you to give up on your dreams, don’t give up on your imagination because it will allow you to do things that you would never have imagined to be able to do! A big hug from your Dreamer, Nicole.

Lullabies….sometimes my daughter sings them to me, I have spent so many hours singing lullabies for her that now she know all of them by heart. Our favorite one is the lullaby of the coffee bean, which begins like this: “Lullaby, mom take me with you, in your big bed at least for a moment…” do you know it? Though, now the lullabies phase has passed and we are going through the stage of: ”mom, can you read me a story?” how could I say no? In my own library there are over three hundred books I have read, I couldn’t live without reading and I hope I will be able to pass this fundamental passion down to my daughter! That’s why, before bed time, we read a book! She is also going through the temper tantrum phase, you know, the phase people call the “terrible twos”! Yes, we all know that this is the age of tantrums, Ginevra, who is normally a nice, smiley and happy little girl, is having some terrible moments where she cries and yells and if we don’t do what she says we are all in trouble! She definitely has a temper!! Sometimes my mom looks at me, smiles and tell me that now I should know what it means to have a daughter like I was! I know, I have always had an independent attitude and I have always achieved what I wanted, no matter if I was right or wrong, whenever I would decide to do something I had to do it! My daughter is just like me, but I know that this attitude is going to help her out a lot in life and she is going to make a long way! But right now, for me, it’s a tough task! So I gather all my patience, a lot of patience, so much that if I tried to sell it I would make enough money to buy the sky, and I talk to her, I hold and cuddle her and I explain things…and at night, I choose to read her stories that could help her grow up with the right values. That’s why in the past days we have been reading “No, no, yes, yes”, a little book from the Chicco-De Agostini collection that helps the little ones becoming grownups! She loves reading before bed time and now she can also learn how Luca, the main character, learns when to say yes and when to say no. Ginevra makes me laugh because when I tell her that she has to be good like Luca she smiles and says yes, as if she knew exactly what I’m talking about, but then I understand that she’s only saying yes to make me happy! When I told my mom about this her answer was: “Well, you have been saying yes and doing what you want your entire life!”. Life a circle. Anyway, I highly suggest this book collection and, if you are facing the “terrible twos” right now, this book in particular is the best! A big hug and kiss.